praise/rewards

If there is a single force that generates inequality, violence and war throughout the world, other than the Central Bank, I vote for the self-image we create gazing up for assurance and approval as infants. At this early stage of development what emerges from that glance is not a fixed image, rather feelings: of acceptance, of care, welcoming, understanding, empathy, encouragement or their opposites; rejection, anger, frustration, neglect and the various forms of abuse.

Over time the repetition of these feelings coalesce, merge and form predictable patterns and these in turn create the scaffolding upon which our social identity is formed. Belonging means survival. Rejection could mean death. So we began to judge our worth and value based on the emotional reactions we experience in the mirror of our primary relationship.

Being accepted and maintaining the bond or attachment with mother extends to father, siblings, extended family, tribe and village. Instead of glances our value is based on comparison; our score, grade point average, nationality, race, profession, political party, social status, cast, club, gang, and religion. Our identity and self-worth are sculpted by the selfish needs of these social groups and within each sub-group is a pecking order forged by comparison, allegiance, obedience and conformity. Conflict, greed and war are implicit in this structure and this structure is based on mental-emotional images that forge our identity.

After viewing our interview with Jean Liedloff a parent said, ‘Jean talks about the effects of over protective parenting. I am so guilty of this. My son is much more capable when he is on his own than when he knows I am looking. I am wondering how I could undo this?

Great question, join the club.

As Jean pointed out in the swimming pool example, when the child does not know the parent was looking, the child demonstrated their true capacity. When the child feels a parent is watching – they express the adult’s helpless expectations. And this pattern is established very early. It becomes a reflex.

The guiding principal is to ‘assume competence’ from the beginning. Then the child’s innate capacity and the adult’s expectation are in sync instead of being in conflict. Imaging what this means lifelong!

The child turns to the adult moment to moment to ‘read’ their relationship to whatever is happening – assuming that the adult’s behavior is intelligent and appropriate. Big assumption here but what else is the child to do?
The adult serves as the child’s compass in uncharted territory. As the child develops the compass must adapt to the needs of what remains unknown to the child. The adult must fine tune his or her emphasis to match the developmental needs of each child. One shoe definitely does not fit all.

A compass is not a ‘teacher.’ Modeling is not ‘teaching’ nor is it ‘instruction.’ 90% or more of what a child learns lifelong is through modeling. 5% of lifelong learning is through instruction.

Your challenge is to ‘assume competence’ and model it in your relationship with the child, guiding them with very brief moments of mostly nonverbal encouragement and facilitation only when asked for or needed. Avoid doing for the child things they can do for themselves. Facilitate when appropriate their wonder and experimentation. Leave praise on the shelf. Of course they produce excellent results. That is what nature expects by design.
As always, the change that is needed must come from you.

Don’t worry. Celebrate every moment of your life and so will your child.

Michael Mendizza